Please Kindly Stop F&#^ing So Loudly

I did not write this, but I am changing "New England" to "Bay Area", printing it on my letterhead, and slipping it under the door above me...

Dear third-floor tenant,

I've never met you, but while living above you in this ramshackle apartment, we have shared too many intimate moments. I have watched television while hearing you moan. I have eaten dinner while hearing your girlfriend squeal. I have gone to sleep to the soothing sound of muffled conversation such as "Oh god, yeah" and "I want you so bad." One time, as I was getting dressed for work, I heard a smack so loud that there is no doubt someone's ass gained a permanent handprint.

Don't get me wrong, here. When I signed my lease, I applauded the free heat and cheap rent...

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